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  1. Today
  2. a friend told me to talk to you about a gsallary post? don't know what that means, but hear I am. heres the link if you need it.

     

     

  3. Last week
  4. Yikes man. Didn't realise you were suffering. Hope that you're feeling better soon. As someone who also suffers from depression and stress, largely due to my Aspergers, I feel for you man. It can be very difficult just to make it through the day sometimes. I also attempted suicide back in my teens, though I not sure how much of it was me or the now banned antidepressant I was taking at the time. I was fortunate enough that some one caught me before I could make the attempt. It does get better though, there are people out there that are able to help if your willing to ask for it. There is no shame in asking for help, everyone at some point or another as needed it. Know that there are people out there that care about you, none of us are truly ever alone.
  5. This is a post I wrote over the course of this weekend, the first two paragraphs were written Saturday, the rest today. This post get's fairly deep at part's so I apologize for that in advanced. This post was mostly written as the thoughts came to me, but I tried my best to keep it in order. I haven't done any proof-reading of this so there is going to be grammar and spelling mistakes, this isn't meant to be a good piece of journalism. It's a personal story of stuff I have never shared with anyone before. There's probably going to be a lot of dead filler stuff that isn't necessary, but I just wrote what was on my mind. Everything So I'm going to start off with addressing a question I'm sure a lot of you guys have. Where the hell have I been? I vanished from the community around the time HT 5.0 released, although I had been drifting away for a while before that. To put it simply I've lost a lot of my interest in racing, and forging as a whole. A lot of my racetrack forging was to always work on improving upon the last map I had created. With the creation of Abysmal, I felt I had reached the peak of not only my forging, but with what was possible with the track itself; aesthetics are a different story. I had tried to forge tracks after the release of it, but I just started to lose interest and was never really satisfied with anything that I had created. From this I just slowly faded out of the community as I didn't as I became interested in other things. I have been around on the site a bit since the release of 5.0, but I haven't had any real communication with it. I've occasionally read what's happened in the shoutbox, but that's the limit of what I've done. I'm not too sure when I'll return and become active in the community again, if ever, but I'll save my catching up until then. Now onto what I've been doing. As some of the more observant few of you could probably tell, I've been playing minecraft a lot. In August of last year I found a great server that also had a great community around it. I've made a lot of friends, some very close, and I've really enjoyed talking and hanging out with them. I've been going through a lot of difficult stuff for a while now, but it's ramped up a lot over the past month and a bit. A lot of people I've met have helped me out be just being good friends, but some have gone beyond that. There are a few people that know a lot of what I've been through and can relate strongly to it, and they've been my best friends over the past few months. One person in particular stands out, someone that is really important to me, and has always been there to help me through things, especially this past weekend. Now you're probably wondering what's been going on, and this is where I'm going to explain the real background that I come from. Some of you may have expected this, and others may be completely shocked, as I have kept it hidden as I didn't want others to know about it. Edit: i wrote a bunch of fluff shit that's not that important, you can check spoiler if you care, it isn't that interesting though. Gonna just sum it up because I don't like how I wrote it, or most of this as a whole, I just kinda wrote. I've been suffering through depression for the last 6+ years of my life. At times it had gotten fairly serious, but most of the time up until last year I held it pretty well in check. A lot of my help getting through it in the past was by hanging out and being a part of this awesome community. Being friends with everyone on here really brought my mood up and kept me distracted from my depression and help move past it. There are people that I became really good friends with, mostly from Halo 4, that hold a place in my heart because of how much they helped me. They probably know who they are so there's no need mentioning them. We've now gotten to the part where it get's serious. We'll skip out the part of halo 5 before forge released, as I spent most of this time either playing online or focusing on my school work. For a while after Halo 5's forge released, I was still interested in forging and racing as I was interested in pushing myself more and more. After a bit though, that drive started to taper off, and I largely just started becoming disinterested in halo as a whole. I was starting to go through a lot of difficult with school, as well as a lot of other side factors that would take too long to name off. This kickstarted my depression in a much stronger way that I had experienced before in my life. This carried on until the end of march, of 2016. This is where one event, the most important in my life takes place. Specifically on the weekend of March 26th-27th; exactly one year ago. To put it simply, I would be considered lucky that I was alive on the 27th. This is because, on the night of the 26th, I planned to commit suicide. I had a well layed out plan to commit suicide by asphyxiation. The reason it's considered lucky is the reason it didn't happen. I didn't get caught. I didn't back out last second. I failed the attempt. I will not get into the reasons it failed, as I'm not ever completely sure myself. After the event, nobody knew. I continued on life, still suffering from fairly severe depression, hiding the truth from everyone. I'm going to go slightly out of chronological order here so it flows a bit better. I published a similar work to this on the forum of the minecraft server I play one a few weeks ago because I felt I needed to put it out there sooner. In that article I included the point where I didn't know why I didn't re-attempt or do anything of the sort, and said it was probably better for me that I didn't know why. In the time between when I posted that to know, I found out. The thing that triggered my memories of the time was something hiding in my Halo 5 map saves that I had forgotten about. To everyone else it was just a simple train bridge, but to me, it was where I was going to truly end it. When I found it, it compounded ontop of everything that had already been going through, and I found myself in one of the worst points of my depression I've ever been in. For the rest of the year following my plans for the re-attempt, I never carried it out, and this brings me to when I joined the minecraft server. For the first few months I played on it I didn't really talk to anyone or have any friends on there. That changed around the start of december however when my depression was getting really bad and I stopped going to a lot of my classes as I just mentally couldn't cope with going to them and being around other people. I started talking to some people on the servers discord, and quickly became good friends with a lot of them. One of these people I met would go on to be the person I currently put the most trust in and whom I can always talk to for help. Me and them started talking a lot more between just the two of us and we started sharing stories of a lot of the thing we had been going through, but nothing extreme at that point. Meeting and talking to them averted what I can look back and say was a time where I was definitely very suicidal, and helped me through it. In the following months me and that person started talking more and more, and they were the first and only person at the time to know of where I had come from in my past, suicide attempts and all. This brings us through to the start of march, where a lot of different feelings, emotions, and memories really start to all combine at once. There is more between me and this person but as for the reason I'm not saying more about them is just privacy reasons, and something I really don't want to discuss, but they are involved in these feelings. From the start of march to now, almost every single day for me has been a struggle to make it through. Days feel like they are taking weeks to pass, and stuff was becoming increasingly difficult to cope with. This got exceedingly more difficult for me when I accidentally triggered all the memories of last years event. When I started to remember everything about my re-attempt that I had suppressed, I just went into a mental lockdown. The only communication I did with anyone was with that person, because I trust them, and i knew they understood and would do everything they could to help me through it. That started on the 15th or march, and lasted for over a week before I started to talk with others again. That leads us all the way up to this weekend. This weekend has been the most time of my life to make it through. On saturday I started to feel really tense and felt my breathing start to become more sporadic. I started to feel physically ill, and to the time I'm writing this now, I have barely been able to eat anything. Almost everything I've tried to eat has been thrown up within the hour. I give all the thanks I can possible give and more to this person, they stayed on call with me for over 5 hours with me throughout the evening and night to calm me down, sacraficing their own sleep schedule in order to help me through. For almost the entire evening I was almost always manually controlling my breathing, in order to keep it calm, and consistent. They stayed with me to comfort me, and to help me keep my mind on positive things. When we left to go to sleep, I couldn't fall asleep. This is something that's fairly common for me right now, as I haven't gotten more than a 3-4 hours of sleep at most in a night for most of march now. This was different though, I was physically shaking and was just in complete discomfort from my body and mind being scared to fall asleep. It ended up taking me about 4 hours from when we ended the call to when I ended up falling asleep. I awoke at 5am in panic. I had had this dream multiple times, including at the start of march. The dream was me reliving and going through the exact steps that I did on the day of my suicide attempt. There was a major difference between the two times I had the dreams that made this one significantly worse. The one I had at the start of march I woke up fine, but was just really freaked out by it. This one, I woke up not breathing. Struggling to breath, like I was struggling for oxygen. I instantly messaged my friend and they tried their best to comfort me. I was completely panicked, was shaking, wasn't able to control my breathing, and felt just physically ill. We talked for an hour about it and in that time I left to throw up again just from being so worked up. I tried to lay down to get more sleep as I hadn't even slept for 2 hours at that point, but I couldn't. My body physically wouldn't let me fall asleep. It's like it was too scared to do anything, whenever I would close my eyes and my body start to relax i'd just start shaking again and id be ripped awake again. Throughout most of this day I have still had to control a lot of my breathing try to keep myself calm the best I can. I've been feeling very physically weak as I haven't been able to keep anything I've eaten down for almost the entire weekend. I've been just repeating to myself that I'm going to be okay, and the words of my best friend, to never attempt again, just to make it through the day.
  6. I would like to learn more... this is an excellent explanation of the brain setups. Thank You!
  7. KEE Specs Vol. TWO - 47 more cool forge RACE maps...
  8. Earlier
  9. Well, the king of smoove just got some more free time, Any racing events going on soon, I would love to give Halo 5 race a try one of these days.

    1. Kat2BKittnMe

      Kat2BKittnMe

      planning on a sx season in june

    2. RealDealD

      RealDealD

      sweet, I can't wait.

       

  10. Hey everyone, my activity has obviously dropped lately. I'm going through a lot of personal stuff right now, and I need to continue to take this break until I have things figured out.

     

    If you guys have any questions, reach out to Kitty, Cassel, Hatter, or Masta. I'll be back as soon as I can.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Le Hefe

      Le Hefe

      Thanks, guys. 

      Bean, I want to give you my nipple.

    3. RealDealD

      RealDealD

      Stay smoove Jeff! 

       

    4. OrionHardy

      OrionHardy

      Take all the time you need. Get well soon.

  11. I have added the timed killzone feature to "iceBEAR Region" and "The ROCKTAGON". To make them better suited to the next tournament (...maybe April?). I may add some additional mayhem to rocktagon, and have found only one or two other maps that have Rocket Race setups. If you find any or make one let me know. Thanks!
  12. Probably just gonna lurk around for awhile
  13. Site needs more emoticons!!!!!!!!! Where have all the old ones gone?
  14. ...when asked about 'magnet link' editing, awhile back. Is this a thing yet?
  15. Goodbye.
  16. It bothers me when people pronounce "divisive" as "device-iv."

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. ShaddoBlade

      ShaddoBlade

      I bet you pronounce tomato as tomahto, too... Also, that GIF is amazing.

    3. Le Hefe

      Le Hefe

      Apparently, I need to ketchup on my pronunciation.

      Glad I could be of service.

      shia.gif

    4. OrionHardy

      OrionHardy

      Well I know what I'll be doing during tournament this week.

      384c45e054a3586d3d77f5ae3156c9b0_emotico

  17. The openers for Avenged Sevenfold and Metallica this summer. Volbeat - I'll be at the Detroit Show!
  18. most of you know, I'm a Dad to three sons, 21-19-19, I scored tix to a concert this summer!!! So, the 4 of us are gonna ROCK! - I'm So Fired-Up! ...In my younger pre-dad days I was a 3 show a year concert goer. (76-96)

    1. xEasyTargetx

      xEasyTargetx

      Congrats on the tix, didn't know that you had kids, does this mean I can call you Daddy Ken?

    2. Superior Forger

      Superior Forger

      Koolest Dad ever! Shoot you go to concerts, play Xbox live, and you forge some great maps. AWESOME!!! Now I want to leap forward in time and get my life situated so I can get back on xbox live and enjoy!

    3. Kenjamin1 MI

      Kenjamin1 MI

      Ha, Easy... crazy uncle ken would be more accurate. TRED - chill bud, time speeds up all by itself, success and good things happen to those who work for it. ...and yes, go forge a map!

  19. A Fun Map! - dash, I think this can be a map gallery post. Touch base with @Le Hefe, to get the info.
  20. very fun and easy race that is beautiful. inspired by Yoshi falls from Mario kart. any amount of players from 1 to whatever! play on any mongoose race set to 30 points. enjoy! download: https://www.forgehub.com/maps/yoshi-falls.4936/
  21. So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: live every week like it's Shark Week.

    1. Camonized

      Camonized

      gaht dam svge

  22. we need someone on youtube with a big following to make the top 10 racetrack videos come back before the community dies out. <3

    1. Superior Forger

      Superior Forger

      I'll make one when I get situated and maybe get my custom pc. But hey, did you finish that map yet?

    2. SomethinLogic14

      SomethinLogic14

      no waiting on you

  23. http://www.halotracks.org/forum/index.php?app=tournaments&module=tournamentview&section=tournamentview&id=136

  24. Hello.
  25. Debating on weather to restore my 2000 Monte Carlo Super Sport or buy a new car... Don't want to pay more to 20k for a new car but I will do what I must.. Not even sure if it's worth restoring my car either; a lot of work needs to be done... Any tips or advise would be appreciated!

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Superior Forger

      Superior Forger

      I'm probably going to just keep this car and buy a truck so I can get through inclement weather and not have to worry about flooding out or what have you. Then I'm gonna focus on getting my dream pc for like 6-8k!  I got money now bitches! :)

       

    3. Mad Hatter

      Mad Hatter

      6-8k on a computer?

    4. Superior Forger

      Superior Forger

      Heck yea man! I need processing power for the stuff I want to be doing with video editing, photo editing, gaming, and more... I want to rock with 4k monitors and so forth... It's a little ways down the road but I got a very good job now and I will be able to afford it the next year or so. Realistically like 4 months, but I have more pressing matters to attend to like getting a more reliable car or paying off this 37k loan that will take at least 2 years to pay off if I have a lucky year and don't get f'd with having to buy a new car early! Not that I have credit cards yet anyways, but I do have a good credit score thankfully! 3 points shy of 700, which I didn't even know I had a credit score... But I've seen some epic applications that required special hardware to run those huge applications and they even have an encrypted flash drive that you have to have to use it because of how expensive and kick-ass it is. Not that I have a whole lot of time to do anything, but when I'm on vacation or away from my girl on the weekends I will wreck havoc!

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