NukedIceCream

Everything

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This is a post I wrote over the course of this weekend, the first two paragraphs were written Saturday, the rest today. This post get's fairly deep at part's so I apologize for that in advanced. This post was mostly written as the thoughts came to me, but I tried my best to keep it in order. I haven't done any proof-reading of this so there is going to be grammar and spelling mistakes, this isn't meant to be a good piece of journalism. It's a personal story of stuff I have never shared with anyone before. There's probably going to be a lot of dead filler stuff that isn't necessary, but I just wrote what was on my mind.

Everything

So I'm going to start off with addressing a question I'm sure a lot of you guys have. Where the hell have I been? I vanished from the community around the time HT 5.0 released, although I had been drifting away for a while before that. To put it simply I've lost a lot of my interest in racing, and forging as a whole. A lot of my racetrack forging was to always work on improving upon the last map I had created. With the creation of Abysmal, I felt I had reached the peak of not only my forging, but with what was possible with the track itself; aesthetics are a different story. I had tried to forge tracks after the release of it, but I just started to lose interest and was never really satisfied with anything that I had created. From this I just slowly faded out of the community as I didn't as I became interested in other things.

I have been around on the site a bit since the release of 5.0, but I haven't had any real communication with it. I've occasionally read what's happened in the shoutbox, but that's the limit of what I've done. I'm not too sure when I'll return and become active in the community again, if ever, but I'll save my catching up until then.

Now onto what I've been doing.

As some of the more observant few of you could probably tell, I've been playing minecraft a lot. In August of last year I found a great server that also had a great community around it. I've made a lot of friends, some very close, and I've really enjoyed talking and hanging out with them. I've been going through a lot of difficult stuff for a while now, but it's ramped up a lot over the past month and a bit. A lot of people I've met have helped me out be just being good friends, but some have gone beyond that. There are a few people that know a lot of what I've been through and can relate strongly to it, and they've been my best friends over the past few months. One person in particular stands out, someone that is really important to me, and has always been there to help me through things, especially this past weekend. Now you're probably wondering what's been going on, and this is where I'm going to explain the real background that I come from. Some of you may have expected this, and others may be completely shocked, as I have kept it hidden as I didn't want others to know about it.

Edit: i wrote a bunch of fluff shit that's not that important, you can check spoiler if you care, it isn't that interesting though. Gonna just sum it up because I don't like how I wrote it, or most of this as a whole, I just kinda wrote.

I've been suffering through depression for the last 6+ years of my life. At times it had gotten fairly serious, but most of the time up until last year I held it pretty well in check. A lot of my help getting through it in the past was by hanging out and being a part of this awesome community. Being friends with everyone on here really brought my mood up and kept me distracted from my depression and help move past it. There are people that I became really good friends with, mostly from Halo 4, that hold a place in my heart because of how much they helped me. They probably know who they are so there's no need mentioning them.

We've now gotten to the part where it get's serious. We'll skip out the part of halo 5 before forge released, as I spent most of this time either playing online or focusing on my school work. For a while after Halo 5's forge released, I was still interested in forging and racing as I was interested in pushing myself more and more. After a bit though, that drive started to taper off, and I largely just started becoming disinterested in halo as a whole. I was starting to go through a lot of difficult with school, as well as a lot of other side factors that would take too long to name off. This kickstarted my depression in a much stronger way that I had experienced before in my life. This carried on until the end of march, of 2016.

This is where one event, the most important in my life takes place. Specifically on the weekend of March 26th-27th; exactly one year ago. To put it simply, I would be considered lucky that I was alive on the 27th. This is because, on the night of the 26th, I planned to commit suicide. I had a well layed out plan to commit suicide by asphyxiation. The reason it's considered lucky is the reason it didn't happen. I didn't get caught. I didn't back out last second. I failed the attempt. I will not get into the reasons it failed, as I'm not ever completely sure myself. After the event, nobody knew. I continued on life, still suffering from fairly severe depression, hiding the truth from everyone. I'm going to go slightly out of chronological order here so it flows a bit better. I published a similar work to this on the forum of the minecraft server I play one a few weeks ago because I felt I needed to put it out there sooner. In that article I included the point where I didn't know why I didn't re-attempt or do anything of the sort, and said it was probably better for me that I didn't know why. In the time between when I posted that to know, I found out. The thing that triggered my memories of the time was something hiding in my Halo 5 map saves that I had forgotten about. To everyone else it was just a simple train bridge, but to me, it was where I was going to truly end it. When I found it, it compounded ontop of everything that had already been going through, and I found myself in one of the worst points of my depression I've ever been in.

For the rest of the year following my plans for the re-attempt, I never carried it out, and this brings me to when I joined the minecraft server. For the first few months I played on it I didn't really talk to anyone or have any friends on there. That changed around the start of december however when my depression was getting really bad and I stopped going to a lot of my classes as I just mentally couldn't cope with going to them and being around other people. I started talking to some people on the servers discord, and quickly became good friends with a lot of them. One of these people I met would go on to be the person I currently put the most trust in and whom I can always talk to for help. Me and them started talking a lot more between just the two of us and we started sharing stories of a lot of the thing we had been going through, but nothing extreme at that point. Meeting and talking to them averted what I can look back and say was a time where I was definitely very suicidal, and helped me through it. In the following months me and that person started talking more and more, and they were the first and only person at the time to know of where I had come from in my past, suicide attempts and all. 

This brings us through to the start of march, where a lot of different feelings, emotions, and memories really start to all combine at once. There is more between me and this person but as for the reason I'm not saying more about them is just privacy reasons, and something I really don't want to discuss, but they are involved in these feelings. From the start of march to now, almost every single day for me has been a struggle to make it through. Days feel like they are taking weeks to pass, and stuff was becoming increasingly difficult to cope with. This got exceedingly more difficult for me when I accidentally triggered all the memories of last years event. When I started to remember everything about my re-attempt that I had suppressed, I just went into a mental lockdown. The only communication I did with anyone was with that person, because I trust them, and i knew they understood and would do everything they could to help me through it. That started on the 15th or march, and lasted for over a week before I started to talk with others again.

That leads us all the way up to this weekend. This weekend has been the most time of my life to make it through. On saturday I started to feel really tense and felt my breathing start to become more sporadic. I started to feel physically ill, and to the time I'm writing this now, I have barely been able to eat anything. Almost everything I've tried to eat has been thrown up within the hour. I give all the thanks I can possible give and more to this person, they stayed on call with me for over 5 hours with me throughout the evening and night to calm me down, sacraficing their own sleep schedule in order to help me through. For almost the entire evening I was almost always manually controlling my breathing, in order to keep it calm, and consistent. They stayed with me to comfort me, and to help me keep my mind on positive things. When we left to go to sleep, I couldn't fall asleep. This is something that's fairly common for me right now, as I haven't gotten more than a 3-4 hours of sleep at most in a night for most of march now. This was different though, I was physically shaking and was just in complete discomfort from my body and mind being scared to fall asleep. It ended up taking me about 4 hours from when we ended the call to when I ended up falling asleep. I awoke at 5am in panic. I had had this dream multiple times, including at the start of march. The dream was me reliving and going through the exact steps that I did on the day of my suicide attempt. There was a major difference between the two times I had the dreams that made this one significantly worse. The one I had at the start of march I woke up fine, but was just really freaked out by it. This one, I woke up not breathing. Struggling to breath, like I was struggling for oxygen. I instantly messaged my friend and they tried their best to comfort me. I was completely panicked, was shaking, wasn't able to control my breathing, and felt just physically ill. We talked for an hour about it and in that time I left to throw up again just from being so worked up. I tried to lay down to get more sleep as I hadn't even slept for 2 hours at that point, but I couldn't. My body physically wouldn't let me fall asleep. It's like it was too scared to do anything, whenever I would close my eyes and my body start to relax i'd just start shaking again and id be ripped awake again. Throughout most of this day I have still had to control a lot of my breathing try to keep myself calm the best I can. I've been feeling very physically weak as I haven't been able to keep anything I've eaten down for almost the entire weekend. I've been just repeating to myself that I'm going to be okay, and the words of my best friend, to never attempt again, just to make it through the day.

 

Let's start from about 6 years ago, as this is really the limit of most of my memory. I had been suffering from depression for about a year prior to this, and I had been put on anti-depressants by my doctor. This is something that should not have been done, and I'm glad to have moved on from seeing that doctor. For every issue I had they always turned to a form of medicine or anti-biotic before anything. At 13 years old, you shouldn't be put on anti-depressants for the many harmful effects that can be caused from them, but I digress. It was in early 2011 that I first got Halo: Reach and my primary interest right from when I got the game was forging. Forging racetracks. I had always been a kid that enjoyed racing games over shooters, so I saw forging as a way to be creative as well as do what I liked to do. I got xbox live later in that year, and started to talk to more people and started to get a lot better at forging. I'm fairly distant with most people I was with friends with in Reach, but a few have stuck around. From this point through most of the rest of my life, forging was my anti-depressant. It gave me the opportunity to express myself, as well as a way to distract and help me move past the evils in my life I was facing. I stopped taking the anti-depressants in early 2012, at 14.

I started to become more active in this community at the launch of Halo 4, and that's where pretty everybody started hearing about me from. Throughout the majority of Halo 4's lifespan  (late 2012-2014) my depression took a back seat and at a lot of times it seemed as I had moved on from it entirely. I still however had my moments with it. I can't remember the year, but it was in February of either 2013 or 2014, when we were moving. I can't remember what triggered it, but I began my first instance of having suicidal thoughts. Looking back at it from now, what I considered an attempt was pretty pathetic. I planned to die from cutting my wrist, which is just a terrible way to do it, for plenty of ways. Regardless of what I can say looking back at it now, I still attempted it. It was setup to make it look like an accident, I was moving some sharp edged metal in my garage and cut my wrist deeply on it. I missed the major vein by probably a 1/2 inch or so. I still have a scar on my wrist to this day where I cut myself, and I will most likely bare it for the rest of my life.

Other than that one incident, there are no other notable events that were sprouted from my depression. Being a part of the community throughout Halo 4 and seeing my own progress from not being known at all to becoming head map maker in less than two years was something that I took pride in, and distracted me from the problems. It wasn't just my personal goals that kept me in line. It was interacting with all the amazing people that I met over the years racing in the various tournaments, and just from making racetracks in general. My journey of learning and getting good at creating and understanding almost every type of track was a blast and it couldn't have been possible without the great people in the community. There is a handful of people from not just specifically Halo 4, but HaloTracks as a whole that hold a special place in my heart for all they have done for me. All the help that they did that helped me through my depression without even knowing what I was going through.

When MCC launched in late 2014, I continued my journey of always trying to better myself with my forging. While it was difficult because frankly, the game was near unplayable for the first half year it was out, I still pushed through and did my best. To me, all of my maps in MCC show my progression in my forging skill. Whether it be by pushing the quality of the map, or just by doing something nobody had done before. Again much like Halo 4, the strong community and my growing passion for forging and racing helped push my depression back.

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Yikes man. Didn't realise you were suffering. Hope that you're feeling better soon.

As someone who also suffers from depression and stress, largely due to my Aspergers, I feel for you man. It can be very difficult just to make it through the day sometimes.

I also attempted suicide back in my teens, though I not sure how much of it was me or the now banned antidepressant I was taking at the time. I was fortunate enough that some one caught me before I could make the attempt.

It does get better though, there are people out there that are able to help if your willing to ask for it. There is no shame in asking for help, everyone at some point or another as needed it. Know that there are people out there that care about you, none of us are truly ever alone.

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God damn dude. Wow.

I usually scroll over the 'feel sorry for me' and other pity posts on social media, but this sounds pretty serious. All I can say is you did the right thing by speaking up and there's no shame in that. On behalf of our community, know that we're here for you.

I've struggled with depression on and off for years. While I've never been clinically diagnosed and it hasn't been as bad as yours from the sounds of it, I can say that I understand what you're going through and that you're not alone. I had a hard time coping with some personal troubles which occurred throughout last year, which gave me many sleepless, long nights of solace. I've also walked the dark path of suicidal contemplation before. 

Your friend sounds like a genuine friend and it's awesome to hear you've got someone close to share with. I know we've had our differences and as I said before, know that our community is here for you and that you're not alone.

Take care, Ivan.

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 Best wishes Nuked.  HT is here with you. 

Ive suffered from depression too, but no where near as severe. Currently attending an outpatient program at a mental health ward for it though. 

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We all appreciate you taking the time to share this with us, Ivan. You've been an invaluable member of this community. The contributions you've made to, not only HaloTracks, but to the Halo community as a whole are unprecedented will never be taken for granted.

As you look through the modicum of replies here, you can see that you're not alone. None of us ever have been. I'm saddened that HT is no longer what it used to be for you, but my spirits are lifted knowing you've found healthy relationships out in the Great Unknown.

Regardless, we will always continue to be here for you. I will always be here for you. Each and every individual that clicks the link in that validation email becomes a part of this family. We're more dysfunctional than most, but I'm continuously in awe of how tight this place has become.

I believe you still have my phone number. If you need me, just give me a call. I don't care what time it is, I will make myself available to you. If I don't answer, it's because I've acquired a new phone recently. Just send me a text saying it's you and I'll call you back as soon as I read it.

Once more, I thank you for sharing this with all of us and I'm eternally grateful for everything you've done for this community.

Be well. Be safe. The sun always rises in the morning. Never forget that.

<3 

 

PS: A special shoutout to the three posters above me.

PPS: The "like" was a show of appreciation for sharing. Not adoration for what you're going through, lol

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Thank you for sharing your story with us Nuked. Talking about it is one of the best things you can do about depression. I had no idea you were going through this and I hope things have improved for you during the last week.

I'm heartened to see that our little community has had a positive impact on your life and glad that your new Minecraft community is continuing to do so after racing's decline. Whether we're active or not, we'll always be here for you if you need us.

 

I just have to say to anyone else reading this that is going through similar issues that no one will think less of you for dealing with a mental illness and no one will think less of you for talking about it. People will always be there to support you but they can't if they don't know what you're going through.

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I've been wanting to do a follow-up post for a little bit now. Mostly as an update on my situation, as well as a thank you to those who I have not already talked to. All of your responses mean a lot of me and I thank you all for taking the time to respond. I'm pretty awful at these kind of things, so that's all I can really say; just thank you all.

 

Onto what's happened in the past month. For the couple of weeks after my initial post stuff was still really rough for me. I still just felt physical illness for the few days after that weekend and was just feeling really down. I had also uncovered some stuff accidentally about some of the events following my attempt back in last March. Just finding part of it triggered so many memories of was going on in my head and what happened in the months to follow. A few weeks ago I was looking through some of my old threads on here, and specifically for my post where I retired as Head Map Maker, just to see the date. I officially retired on May 14th, which co-coincides with the time where stuff was getting really bad for me again. I was definitely at the stage of feeling suicidal again. All of this happening unknown to everyone I was talking to. Retiring as Head Map Maker wasn't something I was doing just because of my lack of interest or the controversy present in the community at the time. It was to give a formal goodbye in case things got worse again, and I'm very glad they it didn't.

Again I would like to thank you guys for the support not just with your responses, but for making this community a great place to be around.

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